#6 ‘PainLess’
ELEMENTARY
6.
‘PainLess’
Pain has been my most faithful partner so far. I could count on it at any given moment. It didn’t come to me in a simple form, which you could locate and name, but as a condition given to me in heritage - Migraine.
The pain of existing. The mystery, the phantom, the aura, the loss of boundary between me and space, smell, and sound around. A total loss of life-force. Being stuck in an endless moment before death…
It drove me to addiction, something I was prone to since early age. Addicted to painkillers, which were getting stronger and stronger, I spent roughly ten years in a dark room, mostly alone and helpless, while other young people, at the full power of their lives, danced away in the full spectre of colours and opportunities. Sometimes I could hear them next door celebrating life.
Throwing up were the only moments of relief. The spasm of disgust, followed by a gasp of breath, offering reassurance that there is still life inside me.
I had a very poor social life back then, often not being able to show up to places or to work… disappointing everybody and disrupting any sense of flow. Planning life ahead was not an option. I had to learn to wait. I had to learn and understand what pain is. Understand that it is only a perception of the struggle that creates discomfort.
Learning to let go of the struggle. Learning to accept it, I started experiencing travels in a realm where every soul that ever lived still exists. I had beautiful encounters and very helpful lessons on life and death that I longed for in those moments. There was a beautiful realisation that the energy spark that starts our heart and brings life into our body has always been there. It was a life-changing perception of the responsibility towards that spark. Towards the life force which we are to send back impregnated by our life and experiences. I learned that our life is meant to be the impregnator of that force. Make it grow. She told me that… and later I learned that all along, she believed it when she was still walking this earth. The beautiful angel, Angelina…
Years later, I managed to jump off the medication train, cold turkey. When the attacks started being less violent and frequent, I noticed to my astonishment, that from time to time I missed my comfort, my teacher, my universe, my ‘pain’.
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