#1 ‘MotherLess’

Photo: ddismey

ELEMENTARY

1.

‘MotherLess’

When God was creating a life for me, for some reason, understandable only in a far future, he had me born in a northern province of Serbia, an eastern republic of a country that doesn't exist anymore, Yugoslavia. My mother language was Hungarian and I was, therefore, a different kind of a normal kind of an accepted sort of folk, which belonged to the colourful bouquet of nations and nationalities that enjoyed the open doors of paradise and the beautiful brotherly feeling of equality and opportunity. Our forefathers and mothers fought for our freedom and it was a force that created the illusion of heaven on earth which included every sort of paradox thinkable to a manmade social structure. 

Men and women were equal. All religions were banned from manifesting publicly. A job was given by the state. A roof over your head too. It was difficult to understand later in my new life, that education, health, and culture are not rights given to an individual at birth. Everything essential was provided in our paradise back then. We only had to behave well, be the best in what we chose to do, strive for excellence and keep on ecstatically flying on a cloud of an illusion that we have it all, and that a good wizard is looking over us… More or less all of us, and more or less not forever.

My mother was a very beloved woman. She was admired by a crowd for her beauty and a lyrical voice that could enchant people, including the good wizard. She was blond, young, and superior. I grew up believing that the reason for her not being at home often was for a greater cause. 

My father was emancipated and took on raising me in a spartan spirit, combined with the discipline provided by the Austro-Hungarian ancestry. Everything was set up for that excellence. Discipline and structure, form and dedication, hard work, and lack of mercy. He didn’t like people who owned dogs. He used to say that they have them to feel superior and to be obeyed in the name of love. Nevertheless, he believed that children are trainable just like the best friend of men. I was a great example of that. He could leave me at any place on the street, in front of a shop or a market and I would not even change the balance from one foot to another until dismissed. I was a hundred per cent trustable, and a reliable tiny soldier. The thought of going through the consequences of misbehaviour or unreasonable actions was simply unbearable and beyond the expectable level. 

I was only five years old when a nanny, who I felt loved me and understood me unconditionally and effortlessly, left us for her own family and children. I rebelled and was persistent in driving away every new woman that tried to replace her, asking for Spomenka to come back. One day we got in a car and drove a couple of hours to a far place where she had moved to, so she could explain in person and show me her babies who I felt took away my safe world of warmth and trust. I suggested to her to leave them in the kind care of her husband and come back home with me, but she only smiled at that… Since then I feel discomfort seeing twins. Since then, babies became a synonym for loss.

There was not much choice, my parents thought when they decided that the only remaining option was to be left at home alone whenever taking me to the theatre was not possible. Trained to do and not do all the things that would ensure my safety from a gentle age of zero, it was a logical step. 

Ever since then I have an unbeatable sense of self-indulgence. There were a lot of rhetorical activities. A way of learning for school was giving lessons to the imaginary classroom. Writing on furniture with chalk, cleaning it up again. Rolling up the carpet and dancing 'Swan lake' on points my parents didn’t know I had, disassembling the telephone, putting the telephone back together, not putting the television on, not opening the door for anybody, warming up lunch, not forgetting to put the stove off… Basically, being at home alone was a magical time.

The consequences of leaving a stove on are haunting me to the present day. Often I feel like running back home from almost anywhere to double-check if it is off. Careless mistakes are unthinkable. She is still very worried about my safety, my mother.